Messages from the dust

It only took a couple minutes rediscovering entries on this blog from 5-10 years ago, and I'm in awe. I wrote messages to myself that I didn't know I would need!
 
The last 3 posts I made:

"Claire at three, almost four" is a snapshot of time when Claire Bear was younger, and gives me a glimpse of what Jane might have been like and what my life would have looked like with her next year. It's fun for me to remember how it felt to have Claire at that age, and helpful to imagine Jane there too.

"Mikey, you're seven months". In this post I name a few reasons why it made sense for Michael to be our last baby and I say that I think he is. It makes be so grateful for the impressions the I continued to feel and that I LISTENED TO, and that, in fact, sweet Michael was not our last child. How happy I am to know that we had a spit-fire coming down the line! A precious little girl that would drop in briefly and profoundly impact our family forever. I never could have designed it, nor imagined what was to come for us. I wonder if I would have had the courage to, knowing what her plan was, and understand that this is why we trust in the Lord. We tend to be too weak to put ourselves through experiences that are really, really tough - and that create hardcore depth and growth. 

"Until we meet again".... I posted a video about REMEMBERING TRUTHS surrounding death and eternal relationships. Wow. Just wow. Thanking myself...... 

When I read this old blog, I am reminded of what I already know. I am reminded of who I am when I am not balancing on the emotional edge of grief and loss. I am reminded of what I want most for myself and for my family -- and that is NOT the easy way. It is NOT always the sunny side up. It is the real, raw, dig-in and get-it-done life experience. The quotes I places on the sidebar of this blog?  THEY represent who I am and who I want to be!

And here I am....  trying to walk the walk. 

My grandma Goesch passed away a few months ago and had lovingly and thoughtfully chosen items in her house to leave for her kids and grandkids and great-grandkids! My mom and her siblings have been going through the house distributing things to those who they are intended for, and she gave me my piece. It's a large, handmade drummer boy that has always hung in the guest room I slept in at grandma's house.  On the back, in grandma's own handwriting, and dated 2011, my wise and faithful grandmother wrote the words:  "Anne, Just Keep Marching like this Drummer Boy".

When I read it my eyes filled with tears. It is a message from the dust. My grandmother had no way of knowing when she would pass, or what would be happening in my life when she did. And yet she wrote what I needed to hear from her so many years ago. Basically, 'KEEP WALKING.  Keep your head up and keep enduring.'

The best is yet to come.

Almost SIX years later!....

Oh my goodness. Hello old friend. This blog.... something I have not looked at in at least 5 years. How do things change so quickly?!  I remember the night my sister-in-law introduced me to a new app called INSTAGRAM. I'll have to go back and look, but I bet it was right around the time I stopped using this blog, and probably the cause. I became an instagrammer and left this forum in my dust in 2014. .....

It makes me happy to see that my words and page are still here. And now I'm back! 

Lots of life has passed by. Baby Michael is now 6.5 years old and lost his first tooth today, little Claire is 9, Jacob is 13, Ashley 16 and Luke 17, soon to be 18 -- an adult!  They are all doing wonderfully and growing into amazing human beings -- INCREDIBLE human beings -- and it is my honor to be their mother, with a front row seat to their individual lives. 

Revisiting this blog is a time warp. Perhaps it is a blessing I left this thing behind those years ago, not knowing how much I would later need the reminder of years gone by, and of how quickly time flies. There's no mention here of our darling angel, Little Jane Kendall. Last I wrote she was in heaven.... now I write, and she's gone back. 

It was a heavenly 2.5 years having her here on earth with us. She truly blessed us beyond measure and was the sweet cherry on top of this large family. 

For a while I'll leave this blog to sit as it has been. To remain a time-capsule from the past. An archive. The lost treasure that it is to me. 

And then I'd like to update it, add to it and most definitely place a header-photo with all six of our children in it. I'll bring Jane to the party while filling in the blanks from the last six years. I'll save thoughts and feelings and experiences associated with loss and grief and the steep personal growth curve I am currently on. As well as the daily joys of this earth life and the privilege of being a wife and mother. 

Last night I typed in the address: www.hillsteadhappenings.blogspot.com, curious how long an un-used web address stays good for. It takes a second then loads, the yellow appears, and the cherished photo of a time gone-by appears on my screen.  It's a young mom, holding 5 little kids on a small couch in a frozen yogurt shop. Wasn't that just yesterday?.....

Finding this blog feels like a gift this mother needs. A chance to reflect upon family; the passing of time; physical, spiritual, emotional growth; and purpose. This old page is a reminder of my personal purposes -- how far I've come and where I am going. 

Good heavens... what will the next six years bring, and where will we be in 2026?!.... I hope to keep the record!

(This is a recent photo of me sewing face masks for the hospital in an effort to protect healthcare workers from Covid-19.)