How to's for 3rd trimester pregnant women.

Q: How does a pregnant woman put on shoes?
A: Find a spot to sit, get your socks all ready, hoist your foot up either across your other leg or off to the side of the chair and hold your breath. Breathe between socks and shoes. Tie quickly.

Q: How does a pregnant woman clean up clutter around the house?
A: Opt A - Rather than bending over which is no longer much of an option, she can squat down using what's left of her leg and bum muscles, always being careful to hold her back straight and hoping not to get stuck. Opt B-The method I often resort to which is to get on all four and crawl around until the floor is clean. Pulling a laundry basket along side to toss things into can be helpful, thus requiring the pregnant woman to stand up only once after the work is done to distribute items where they need to go. Opt C - Preferred. Have your small children who can bend over easily and without a second thought do the clutter clean up. Thank them with a small treat out of a treasure box (best things ever invented).

Q: How does a pregnant woman roll over in bed?
A: This effort usually begins with the realization that some body part has fallen asleep, be it an arm, a hip or a leg. The pregnant women then must decide which way she's going, hold onto the pillows between her legs, press a heel into the mattress and hoist herself around into the new position. The process has been successful if the leg pillows came too, the sheets aren't tangled around her and she doesn't have any sharp pains in her abdomen from the sudden exertion of muscles.

Q: How does a pregnant woman do the dishes?
A: Buy paper products. Do the dishes that must be done in short intervals so that the lower back doesn't begin to hurt from hunching awkwardly over the sink - since she has to stand further away than usual because of the belly.

Q: How does a pregnant women run to catch a ringing phone?
A: She doesn't.

More instructions to come, as I see fit.